


Nick And Judy's Pseudo-Penis Adventure

by MisterEAnon



Series: The Pseudo-Penis Adventures [1]
Category: Zootopia (2016)
Genre: Discussion of Spotted Hyena Anatomy, Drinking, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-09
Updated: 2016-10-09
Packaged: 2018-08-20 09:49:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8244902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MisterEAnon/pseuds/MisterEAnon
Summary: Everyone's favorite spotted hyena goes out drinking with Nick and Judy. Events transpire, and she shows off how awesome she is, if she can say so herself.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, it's THAT Becca, Bernielover's OC. With my own little twist, of course.

I shuffled up to one of the most prolific cops on the force, and slapped her on the back. Since she was so damn short, I had to lean down quite a ways to do it. “Heya, Hopps!”

She jumped, but when she turned around and saw who it was she grinned and punched me in the leg affectionately. “Oh, hey Becca!”

That's me: Rebecca 'Becca' Yeen, one of the best damned officers on the force. Shame they only give me the cases where 'excessive force' isn't really an issue. But, as much as I would love to focus on how awesome I was, I actually did have a reason to talk to the bunny.

I idly ruffled her ears, causing her to make a face and stick her tongue out at me. I returned the gesture, smiling at the silliness of it all. “So, listen: I was thinking you and me could head out for drinks tonight after work.”

As anticipated, she hesitated. “Well, I dunno…”

I held up a paw, and unleashed my trump card: “And also, Bogo says you literally cannot legally work any more unpaid overtime then you already do.”

She paused. “Oh. He told you that?”

I snickered. “Judy, he's been appending that to every meeting he's had for a week, since you obviously won't stop when HE asks.”

She huffed, looking down and tapping her foot. “Hey, I like my job,” she mumbled quietly to herself for a moment, before glancing back up at me. “Alright, I guess I can go out with you- Oh, hey Nick!”

I turned around. Officer Wilde had crept up behind me, and came bearing gifts: A pair of coffees. I knew one of them was for his partner, but I couldn't resist ribbing him a little. “Hey, Wilde! Bringing us coffee? Oh, you shouldn't have.”

He huffed as well. Gosh, everyone was huffy today. “Sorry, these cups of life are for fox and rabbit officers only,” he returned, offering the much smaller cup to Judy. I wondered for a moment why we even had rabbit sized cups. It was probably for visitors, I supposed.

Judy accepted the cup. “Thanks, Nick. Oh, me and Becca were gonna go out to… A bar, right?” I nodded. Most of the ZPD socialized at the same bar. Probably the most secure, trouble-free bar in all of Zootopia, come to think of it. “Right,” she continued. “You wanna come with us?”

The bunny looked to me, and I nodded. Yeah, I didn't mind Wilde coming along. He seemed like a nice guy. He just squinted at me for a moment before putting on a smile.

“Yeah! Yeah, sure thing. I mean, if everyone's gonna be there-”

“Nah, not everyone. Well, probably a few people, it's kind of the place to be for the ZPD off-duty, but it's not a big event tonight or anything,” I clarified, before leaning over and bumping Judy with my hip gently. “Heh. Look at you two: Inseparable even outside of work.”

They had a pretty good dynamic going on. I wished I had a partner like that. I was friendly with the other officers, yeah, but I didn't have the kind of bond these two had.

Judy smirked, leaning over and bumping nick with her hip. Of course, unlike my hip-bump, her bump was closer to his knees. “Oh, I dunno. I haven't had to drag him around by the tie since academy, at least,” she joked, ribbing the fox. “You know what they say about bad habits.”

I chuckled at the unamused look on Nick's face. “Rabbits with habits, huh? Either way, I'll catch you guys later tonight. How's, uh… Seven?” I asked, guessing their shifts would probably be over by then.

Judy thought about it for a second. “Sounds good!” She quickly glanced to Nick, who nodded. Guess he didn't have plans, either.

I started to stride away. “Awesome. And Judy?”

Her ears perked up, swiveling towards me. “Huh?”

“He means it. No more overtime.”

My smirk returned at her little huff. Totally worth it.

 

( * * * )

 

The bar in question was named The Blue Bottle. Most of the drinks weren't served from blue bottles, though- Just the specialty. Some officer before my time had decided it'd be punny for the boys and girls to meet at the blue bar, and tradition had held from there. I'd already hit home and changed out of my armor. I'd picked something casual instead- Just a shirt and jeans. It's not like it was a date, right?

When I walked in, I noticed Nick and Judy were already present, off in the corner of the bar itself. I smirked to myself when I realized that probably meant Judy was the one driving, the overachiever, if they'd shown up early.

I sauntered over, dropping onto the nearest stool, waving over the bartender. “So, how do you even drive the squad car, anyway?” I asked by way of introduction, grinning at her.

The rabbit hadn't seen me coming- Apparently, she was engrossed in her phone. “Oh, hey Becca! Fangmeyer and Delgato are here- Did you invite them, too?” she asked, gesturing across the room. Yeah, there they were. Delgato was still in uniform, which wasn't too much of an uncommon sight around the bar.

Judy was too, for that matter, but I didn't really expect anything else from her. She was damn proud of her job, and I didn't blame her. No small accomplishment for a rabbit, and she'd more then earned her place.

I glanced back at her. “Nah. Like I said, this is the ZPD watering hole. Guess the kitties just needed a drink today,” I theorized. “So, about the car?”

“Oh, yeah,” Judy started. “Wait, how did you know I was driving?”

I snickered, ruffling her ears. “You're not late… Which you would be, if Wilde was driving.”

She grumbled, punching me in the arm. I grinned wider- That was a proper Hyena response, right there. I was into it, not gonna lie. “He's not that bad,” she defended, swatting away my tussling paw.

I stuck my tongue out at Nick. “He's not THAT bad… But he is that bad,” I stated sagely. Nick wasn't a bad guy, but he'd probably be late to a social gathering if he could get away with it. Somethin' told me he wasn't the most social guy around, where his partner wasn't concerned.

The bartender finally arrived, her face lighting up. “Oh, hey Becca! What'll it be tonight?” She was a sweetheart. The warthog knew pretty much all of the force, or at least the ones who were regulars.

Oh, what the hell. “I'll take the special… And you can take a tip out of my tab if you DON'T give Ears here the special,” I added, pointing a claw over my shoulder at Judy, who protested with a quiet “Hey!”

The pig snickered. “Sure thing, honey,” she agreed, wandering off. Busy night. It was Friday, though: The best time to get wasted was, objectively speaking, when you didn't have work tomorrow.

I turned to Judy. “You'll thank me later. You're not ready for the special,” I told her. Possibly never, given her size, but I sure as hell wasn't going to tell her that. “And you're dodging the question. You, car, how?”

She huffed, crossing her arms. “Well, if you MUST know, I have a very reliable set of pedal-extenders...”

I laughed. Man, I forgot those existed. Nick leaned over from his spot on the other side of Judy. “Hey, what am I, chopped mealworm?”

Oh, yeah. He was there, too. “I dunno, Wilde, you got anything to say? Or are you just jealous I'm stealing your Me-Time with Hopps?”

He shifted. “Hey, we are-”

“-Not a couple,” finished Judy, who had started to object at the same time as he had. “No matter what Clawhauser says.”

Clawhauser didn't say it behind their backs, of course. He shipped them to their faces. It was pretty adorable, honestly. Whenever they denied, he just went 'Uh huh' and 'Whatever you say, honey', and then went right back to insisting they were a thing the next time he saw them. It was pretty great.

I was about to reply, but then my drink arrived, and I nudged Judy with my shoulder. “You should get something, too.”

I drank. A few minutes later, Judy was drinking, too. We chatted about nothing important for a while, with Nick interjecting a quip or anecdote whenever the bunny was “Shamelessly slandering his good standing,” in his words.

Of course, after we got drunk enough, 'it' came up. The subject pretty much all the officers asked about sooner or later. In retrospect, it wasn't a huge surprise that Judy'd bring it up when she was drunk.

“-And that's why Nick is only allowed to wear clip-on ties around the precinct. But enough about that...” Judy started to say, leaning over. “…Is it true?”

I finished my drink, turning the glass upside-down and setting it on the bar. “Yeah?”

She blushed. “You know. What they say about spotted hyenas. Is it true?”

The fox sitting next to her made a face. “I don't want to hear this,” he objected, taking another drink from his own glass.

Well, shoot, I couldn't let an opportunity like that pass. I leaned over as well, and replied in a faux-whisper. “Wanna see for yourself?”

Nick choked on his drink. I couldn't help it: I laughed, slapping my hand on the counter. God, that was funny. He was too easy, I swear.

While Nick was pounding on his own chest, his partner swatted at my arm. “Becca! Don't say things like that,” she protested, despite the fact she couldn't hide her smile.

I figured I'd poke a little more fun at Wilde. Guy needed to loosen up, for sure. “Why not? I mean, you two are DEFINITELY not a couple- Heck, I hear a bunny like you could even teach me a few tricks-” I started, wiggling my eyebrows.

Nick stood up. “Aaaand this conversation is over,” he interrupted, turning to me. “Officer-”

“Call me Becca,” I interrupted him, waving a paw flippantly. He twitched.

“-Becca,” he finished. “Can I talk to you? In private?”

Huh. This was unexpected. I stood, even as the bartender came by and picked up my glass to refill it. “Sure thing, Wilde. Don't worry, Judy, I'll make sure he can walk after,” I joked. She just groaned, obviously not sharing my sense of humor.

I gestured for him to follow, and lead him outside. It was crowded inside, so if he wanted some peace and quiet, he wasn't gonna find it in there. I padded into the nearby alley, just enough to lean back into the wall, staring at him from the entrance. “What's up?”

He took a deep breath. “I would appreciate it if you didn't talk to Jud- Officer Hopps like that,” he started. “It's inappropriate conduct, and-”

“Bullshit,” I laughed. “C'mon, Wilde. Nick- Can I call you Nick? Why does it bother you? For real?”

He paused, not having expected me to see through his bull story so quickly. Neither of them were a stickler for the rules as written, even if Judy could quote them in her sleep to the rest of the officers. I tapped my chin, having an idea. “I mean, it's not your call what Hopps does with her weekend. If I want to bend her over as soon as we're off the clock, and show her why I get to use the Men's room-”

He growled at me. He actually growled! I pointed at him, snickering. “Oh my god, it's true.”

He crossed his arms, looking deeply displeased with me. “What is?”

I rubbed my eye absently. “You totally have a thing for Hopps.”

His tail twitched. “Me and Judy are n-”

“Bullshit!” I repeated gleefully. “You may not be dating, but you totally want to be. And don't worry--” I interjected, seeing him open his muzzle to counter me. “-The answer is yes: I will totally be your wing-woman.”

He closed his mouth. Then, he opened it, and paused. “What?”

I leaned over, ruffling his ears. Unlike Judy, he didn't even hesitate before trying to shove me away. I approved of the fight in him. “You know. I'll help you hook up with her. C'mon, if she's even half as into you as you're into her, it'll be easy.”

Before he could reply, I started walking back inside. “I don't need your help- And you don't even know this is something I could need help with!” he protested. I ignored him- I just kept going. Soon, I was back in earshot of Judy, which was quite a sizable range, and he couldn't really keep arguing without sabotaging himself.

I sat back down, picked up my drink (Which had been refilled while I was gone), and downed half of it in one go. “So! You didn't pick up any guys while we were gone, did you Hopps? 'Cause I call the cute ones,” I said, sitting down.

She rolled her eyes. “No, Becca. I didn't find any cute guys.”

I winced. “Ooh, harsh. I'm gonna tell Fangmeyer you said that,” I replied, gesturing over my shoulder at the tiger. Huh, wonder when Delgato's shirt had gotten unbuttoned like that. I glanced back to Judy. “Maybe tomorrow, though, I just sat down. Anyway--”

I grabbed Nick as he passed by, holding him in place. “-Nick here just wanted to ask if he could crash at my place, since he's getting his fumigated. You know how it is- You let just a few live bugs get away, and you gotta call a guy,” I nodded solemnly. I ignored the fact I'd never actually seen Wilde eat bug protein before.

The rabbit just slowly nodded. “Right… Why didn't you tell me, Nick? I could have let you stay with me,” she added, glancing to the fox. Nick just looked to me expectantly, watching to see where I was going with this.

I didn't disappoint. “Oh, you're gonna have to, then. As it turns out, my only couch got ruined recently, so I'm having it cleaned- Not really a good place for him to sleep, unless he wants some harsh chemicals in his fur.” I shook my head. “You don't mind, do you Judy?”

She lightly kicked her feet. “Oh, no way! I don't mind. Well, I mean…” She blushed slightly. “My apartment only has the one bed- I don't think I could fit another bed in there if I tried, honestly--”

I grinned. Nick had, by now, slipped free of my grasp, and taken his seat. “I'm sure that won't be a problem. You'll behave, won't you Wilde?”

He glanced away. I couldn't tell if he was blushing, because of the orange fur. I didn't know the guy enough, honestly. “Yeah, I'll behave.”

I leaned towards Judy, just a little. “And besides… I bet you'd like sharing a bed with him, anyway. Look how fluffy he is! You ever cuddle up against a tail like that, Hopps?”

She wiggled in her seat. “No, but-”

“Ah, ah, ah,” I interrupted her. “No buts. Except his, of course. Probably not a lot of foxes in Bunnyburrow, right? Anyway, I'm sure you'd love it. Heck, you might get a better night's sleep with someone nice and warm to cuddle up to then without, you know what I mean?”

She turned, scrutinizing my face. “You… You think so?” she asked doubtfully. “I mean… I'd never thought about it, but now that you mention it…” she trailed off, glancing the other way to stare at Nick's ass, gauging the fluffiness of his tail.

That was the spirit. I stood up, shuffling over and clapping Nick on the shoulder, who jumped just a little from the force of it. “You still good to drive, Wilde?” He'd only had one drink, and even then he'd only mostly finished it.

“Yeah,” he confirmed, idly waving his brushy tail a little. “Yeah, I can drive.”

I turned to Judy. “You should finish your drink and let Nick drive you home. It's getting pretty late,” I opined.

“It is?” she asked, checking her phone.

“It is,” I agreed, clapping her on the shoulder as well.

She shrugged. “Well… Alright,” she agreed, obligingly polishing off the rest of her glass. “Shouldn't I pay for this first, though?”

I shook my head. “Nah, I'll have her put it on my tab. You're gonna want a lot of time with nick once you get home, I'm sure.”

“What?” she asked, tilting her head.

I just chuckled as she stood up, and pat her on the back. “Shoo,” I insisted. She gave me a funny look, but started to shuffle out the door. I caught the bartender's questioning eye, and nodded. She nodded back, knowing how this went.

“And YOU, Wilde, can pay my next three drinks after you get laid,” I grinned. “Now you shoo, too, and hope she's a cuddly drunk.”

He grumbled, slapping a few bucks on the counter as the bartender approached. “Here,” he offered to her, before turning to me as he stood. “And… Thanks. I guess.”

“Don't thank me yet,” I laughed. “I'm getting the good shit on your dime next time.” I playfully shoved him in the direction Judy went. “It's rude to keep a lady waiting, Wilde. Go to her.”

He huffed, but I could swear there was a little waggle in his tail as he padded off.

As the fox and rabbit departed, it was barely twenty seconds before yet another fox and rabbit showed up, much to my vague amusement. I nudged the rabbit as he sat next to me, with the fox on his other side. “Well, hey there, short-stuff.”

He jumped a little, glancing up at me. Heh, he had stripes on his face. Was that like a thing bunnies had sometimes, or were those, like, fur-painting? “Yeah?”

I grinned. “So, you know what they say about spotted hyenas, or are you taken?”

He squirmed in his seat. “I'm not _taken_ ,” he started, glancing over to his neighbor on the other side of him. Some kind of fox, in oil splattered overalls.

Oh. I recognized that look. I sighed- Damn. I was into smaller guys, too, but it looked like this one was off the market.

Oh well. I wrapped an arm around his shoulder, pulling him against me. He nearly fell off his stool. “And before you ask,” I started. “Yes, I'll be your wing-woman…”


End file.
